Jessica Soroky continues her series Leadership is a Choice.

The last few weeks I have invited you to walk my journey with me through an anxiety problem that I was deeply struggling with. Today I am excited to share the part of the journey that includes growth, realizations, and forgiveness.

Last week was an extremely hard week. The crazy thing is when I reflect back upon the week it really wasn’t that hard. Wins piled up day after day and I got to wake up every day and work in an industry I love.

All of that was passed over in the moment, the anxiety around one situation won out over all else. It hit me that it was going to keep winning until I chose for it to lose. I chose to take back my own power and simply not allow the anxiety.

It was an email from Bella about that day’s The Leadership Gift Program Q&A Dialog call that helped me see an opportunity to confront this and really let it go.

On the call I asked how I could harness the power of personal responsibility to help me release my anxiety.

After walking through what the anxiety felt like, and what I believed was causing it, Christopher asked where in the Power or Control Proces™ I thought I was.

Well, I felt trapped, out of control, and my solution was to physically run until I was too tired to think about the anxiety anymore.

I really had no idea that running would be considered on the Power or Control Process, I was completing avoiding the situation.

Ah, quit.

So what was feeling trapped? Christopher quickly restated it as doing something I felt I had to do even though I didn’t want to.

Ah, obligation.

Holy crap, I never even considered that I was in these mental states. It completely altered how I looked at the problem. When I was looking at it as a feeling of being trapped and avoidance I wasn’t aware or anywhere close to owning the situation. I was stuck in a place I had been at the very beginning of my journey – how the hell do you actually let go of something?

It seemed almost impossible.

Ok, Obligation and Quit. Those words I understand, those mental states I know how to get myself out of once I become aware.

Christopher helped me see that on some level there is a sanctuary, a familiar safe place, in the mental states below the line. He also helped remind me of an intention I have, to have and be all that I want, to reach my full potential.

If that is my intention, how is living in obligation helpful?

It isn’t.

The bricks that I believed to be sitting on my chest, and the water I believed I was drowning in, all disappeared. As simple as that, I let it go.

I forgot who I was, what I had accomplished. I let fear of failure, fear of taking that final leap of power and taking responsibility get in the way of actually taking responsibility.

The first time I took a leap (or as I have described it before, “taking the red pill”) I was doing it so ignorant of what I was really getting myself into. Now on days where I miss the bliss that came with being unaware of what mental state I am in, the idea of taking another red pill – of going deeper into wonderland – is somewhat scary.

It isn’t scary because of something that might be defined as “bad”. It is scary because when I choose to practice 100% responsibility I am choosing to own exactly who I am and what I do.

Oh but wait, when I choose to practice 100% responsibility I get to own 100% of the power and freedom that comes with it. When I am completely at choice there is no opportunity for my anxiety to spring back to life in the form of obligation.

The only way I could feel trapped or drowning is if I choose to feel that way. Why would I want to do that when I can choose happiness, fulfillment, and excitement?

Who would have thought that a person practicing responsibility and dedicated to choice would realize the answer to her problem is as simple as choosing something different.

Christopher stated it so elegantly, “Don’t put out any resistance or effort, just decide to be somewhere else. “

Jessica Soroky, CSM

Jessica is a Certified Scrum Master with over three years of practice in agile delivery and seven years of team leadership. She is also the youngest participant in The Leadership Gift™ Program and its growing worldwide community of leaders and coaches. After five years of non-profit development through Nellie’s Catwalk for Kids, Jessica continues her leadership journey in state government, not-for-profit, and private sector leadership studies.

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