Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. ~ Chinese Proverb

Are you more committed to coping or to growing? It’s a choice you make everyday, even if instinctively rather than intentionally.

(Note: this is part 2 of a 2-part article. Read Part 1)

Coping Isn’t Leading

Every day you and I cope with the stress of upsets and problems by denying, blaming, justifying, beating ourselves up, complying with what we think we should do, or by checking out or running away. When we do this, I dare say we are not exhibiting leadership, i.e., self-leadership.

To live with ourselves we vent, become cynical, argue vehemently in our minds with people we don’t know how to face, become ill, indulge in food, and do all of these in various combinations as our way to feel in control and “cope with the world.”

Growing Is Leading

The Responsibility Process is the mental path we use for doing that. And the Keys to Responsibility (Intention, Awareness, and Confront) are how we interact with that path.

We engage this option and choose growth by refusing to merely cope and instead demanding of ourselves that we face reality and see it for what it really is, learn from it, expand our reality to include it, and grow. This growth delivers freedom, choice, and power through an expanded ability to handle what comes our way.

Here’s an example

When you are aware of the Responsibility Process and you catch yourself blaming, you might stop blaming and examine your thoughts until you can find a responsible and resourceful mindset from which to solve the problem. This happens in meetings and high-performing teams all the time when people are aware of their mind’s Responsibility Process.

How about a more challenging example

Here’s one that’s not so fast or easy, but the growth is very much worthwhile: I was mentoring a leader who was feeling over-committed. Between her full-time job with multiple large projects, her numerous regional and national board appointments, and her family, she was not able to meet her commitments.

She felt bad (shame) and listed some shoulds (note: A “should” is a piece of advice that might move us off of  Shame to Obligation. I.e., we feel bad for having the problem and believe that taking action will make us feel better so we search for advice from ourself or others.): I should prioritize, I should not volunteer so much, I should recruit others and motivate them to do these activities for me.

I didn’t comment on any of the self-advice my client gave herself. I saw them as ways to cope with Shame and Obligation. Instead, I asked her permission to poke her a little bit (i.e., help her see more clearly, through confronting the truth). She granted me permission, and I gently asked her two questions:

1. How does it serve you to commit to more than you can do? and then
2. What do you want about this situation?

These questions applied the keys that unlock Responsibility

• Intention
• Awareness
• Confront

I knew that the Responsibility Process only works when self-applied, so I wanted to ask her questions that would get her to look beyond the Shame and Obligation to the freedom, power, and choice of Responsibility.

What she wanted was to add value and make a difference. And she realized that when she overcommits, she can’t add sufficient value to anyone or anything.

Is it really this simple?

No, she’s not totally resolved and done with this situation. But she is more clear about her intention, she is more aware of her role in the problem, and she is confronting the truth instead of merely coping with her anxiety about it.

And all of that will lead to growth as a person and as a leader.

Practice Tip

Select one of your stressors, or one coping habit, and commit to really examine it. Just invite yourself to face it and examine it for new truths — for something you haven’t seen before. Continue until you break through to a new understanding and ability to face that challenge more easily and directly. Then do it again, and again, and again.

Now that’s accessing and applying your Leadership Gift! You can do it; anyone can.

Christopher Avery, PhD, is a recognized authority on how individual and shared responsibility works in the mind and an advisor to leaders worldwide. Master leadership or build a responsible team (or family) with The Leadership Gift Program for Leaders.