Starting this week in New York, I woke up and got on a bus that took me to a subway. My trip ended with a short walk down Madison Avenue.

I found this beautiful atrium that felt like a calm, nature-filled sanctuary tucked in between the concrete.

It is hard to miss the storefronts all decorated and aiming to influence the passerby to come in and purchase something. Brands everywhere are trying to claim their spot in the beautiful clutter that is this city.

It can be overwhelming to stop and get present in the midst of all of the surrounding input from the sights and smells, the sounds, and even the breeze as a truck flies by.

All of these things, including countless others, are influencers in my life. It got me thinking about the hardest question (in my opinion) out there:

What do I want?

In a professional setting, that question rarely scares me. I am much more comfortable assessing the situation or problem, determining possible solutions, and working with my teams to resolve it.

However, the question, “What do you want?” leads me to instant panic. My whole body freezes and my brain turns to mush.

Someone who isn’t my family asking me where I’d like to eat can lead to a frustrating cycle of “I don’t care, you choose.”

For the last few days I have been asking myself over and over again why I do this. Why do I get so indecisive and even scared when confronted with a personal opportunity to choose?

I mentioned that I get scared. So what I am I afraid of?

On a small scale – like the example of not wanting to pick a restaurant – I am afraid of choosing the wrong option.

I know there is no wrong choice, but knowing that doesn’t seem to magically take away the conditioning of 22 years of right and wrong.

With small or larger life decision — like what to do with my career — my fear and panic comes from being afraid of making the “wrong” decision and disappointing someone I love.

My mentor has always taught me to try saying “choose” instead of “decide.” The idea is that the word “decide” gives off the impression that once I make a decision, the other options are dead and gone – that there is no going back.

That’s it: I am not afraid that my decision will be “wrong” – I’m afraid that if I turn right, I can never turn left again.

So what do I want?

I want to make choices, not decisions. I want to practice my ability to confront situations and be assertive in a personal setting just like I do in professional settings.

What do you want?

Jessica Soroky, CSM

Recently turning 22 years old, Jessica is already a Certified Scrum Master with two years of practice in agile delivery and team leadership. She is also the youngest participant in The Leadership Gift™ Program and its growing worldwide community of leaders and coaches. After five years of non-profit development through Nellie’s Catwalk for Kids, Jessica continues her leadership journey in state government, not-for-profit, and private sector leadership studies.

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