Jessica Soroky continues her series Leadership is a Choice.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? The reflecting image constantly changes.

It wasn’t until I entered this journey that I realized the changes I saw were completely my choice.

The further into wonderland I go the easier, and at the same time harder, it is to look at my reflection.

On powerful days, the ones where I feel like I can conquer the world, it is easy to look in the mirror and see my own beauty. It is addicting to see the reflection staring back at me as a confident, strong, powerful, and (most importantly) free woman. She stands tall, she doesn’t care what people think about her, and nothing could ever get in her way. She is independent.

It’s the times when the world has gotten to me I almost can’t step foot in front of the mirror. I can’t bring myself to raise my eyes to the see the reflection. I can’t look at myself.

I struggle when someone I care about, someone whose opinion matters to me, tells me how they see me.

My own mother just a few days ago told me she worries my commitment to integrating this material into all that I am will leave me alone for the rest of my days. That I became as independent as I am today in order to protect myself from ever getting hurt again and therefore am shutting people out.

Where I see strength they see a fate of loneliness.

I can’t begin to explain, but I don’t think I need to. The impact when the woman who literally brought you into the world says something like that, I want to acknowledge her in this moment for offering her observations from a pure place of love and not one of judgment, and for further taking the time to hear how I felt about those comments.

Others have told me that I see the world “in black or white” and do not allow for all the in-betweens. They even go as far as to say I am emotionless because I choose to see things as true and false instead of good and bad.

After stating clearly what it is I want they tell me repeatedly that I gave up, I quit. Is it quitting to know with 100% clarity what you want and choosing that? Is that wrong of me?

I looked in the mirror the other day and wondered, “Am I broken? Have I taken this too far?”

Where I see power and freedom they see fault and flaws.

The only thing I am left to ask myself is whose opinion do I care more about – mine or theirs?

When someone is telling me about myself I struggle to remember what they are saying has more to do with them than it does with me. I struggle to not believe them and let it become a wrong indication in my mind, something I must now go fix.

But I have nothing to fix because I am not broken.

I am loving, caring, dedicated, driven, powerful, literal, objective, sarcastic and free. I am someone who says what I mean and means what I say. I know I have the power to create my reality. I trust myself and my abilities. I do not want to spend time on something I know I don’t want. I am someone who struggles and I am someone who will fight to the end to choose differently to end the conflict in me.

In those moments of struggle, when the outside world is louder than my inner voice, I can ask myself, “whose opinion do I value more?”

Do I believe I am the person they say I am or am I confident in who I know I am?

I want to say, in my rawest form, exposing all of me to you – that to take this material to the next level you must confront you. It isn’t easy and it isn’t fun, but when I wipe the tears away and stand in front of that mirror confident in the person I am choosing to be there is no greater power. There is no greater freedom.

I used to proclaim that I am beautiful and flawed but today instead I will quote lyrics from Jesse J’s Masterpiece that capture my feeling perfectly.

I still fall on my face sometimes

And I can’t color inside the lines

‘Cause I’m perfectly incomplete

I’m still working on my masterpiece

And I, I wanna hang with the greats

Got a ways to go, but it’s worth the wait

No, you haven’t seen the best of me

I’m still working on my Masterpiece.

Jessica Soroky, CSM

Jessica is a Certified Scrum Master with over three years of practice in agile delivery and seven years of team leadership. She is also the youngest participant in The Leadership Gift™ Program and its growing worldwide community of leaders and coaches. After five years of non-profit development through Nellie’s Catwalk for Kids, Jessica continues her leadership journey in state government, not-for-profit, and private sector leadership studies.

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