Jessica Soroky continues her series Leadership is a Choice.

(part 1, part 2)

Tears and mascara streamed down my puffy, red face as my hands frantically tried to erase them. I wasn’t being very successful. My hands were shaking and my body was bouncing between extremely hot and extremely cold.

My fellow coach in The Leadership Gift™ Program sat across from me using every tool in his coaching kit to help me. He brought me back to wins and began reciting all the wins that were going on including the win of being in Texas and being lucky enough to be the one who gets to facilitate all day.

I don’t remember the conversation very well, but I remember how I felt in those moments. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that getting fired was what I wanted. I explained it between tears like this, “In relationships sometimes one person doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore but for whatever reason they aren’t ready to end it. So consciously or unconsciously they begin to do things to get the other person to end it for them. That’s what I did here. I was too scared to take the leap and go out fully on my own so I unconsciously started doing things or attracting things that would lead to this company breaking up with me.”

I let that really sink in for a second and, for the first time, I felt a little better. The belief that I wanted this began to win against the desire to shame myself.

We talked for a little longer and with his help I began to see that I was already doing it. I was doing exactly what I wanted and I was exactly where I wanted to be. In that moment I wanted to get clear on what was true and get out of right and wrong. I can count on true, it never lies to me or sugar coats things.

What was true was that I was no longer required to go to an office building Monday through Friday. I did still have a job, working for myself. I was in Comfort, Texas and I was ok.

I was going to be ok. I was going to survive. I am surviving.

I made a choice, this upset was not going to get in the way of doing my absolute best the next day at the Comfort Bash. Taking a few minutes to clean up my face and erase as much of the physical markers as I could, I turned to my supporter and told him I was ready to head to the restaurant.

We walked down a gravel road towards a Texas diner and for a few minutes I was distracted wondering if this was real or a movie set. The diner sign came into view and I had to take control of my brain, which was desperately trying to flee.

As the door opened and I prepared to step inside I took another deep breath and chose to let go. I smiled and walked through the doorway. I was greeted by a group of infectiously responsible, free, and powerful people. Christopher walked up to me, I have no idea what he said in the moment. All I know is that he gave me a hug. The kind of hug that a person needs when they are internally fighting a shame monster screaming, “you’re a failure”. I took a deep breath and reminded myself it was over, I let go; there was no reason to be upset anymore. I wanted this and I got what I wanted – this is a win.

In the midst of all of our chatting my phone began to buzz and looking at the screen my heart dropped. My parents were calling. I could feel shame crawl up from my stomach with the knot that was now growing.

I walked outside to answer the call. There was nothing to do but own it. “I got fired, and this is my plan moving forward.” I laid it all out, reassuring them that I was fine. Somehow I became strong again. I don’t know if I was being strong for me or if I just didn’t want them to worry, but whatever it was it showed me a plan I didn’t even realize I had until it started coming out of my mouth.

I fought more tears away as they closed the call by telling me how proud they are of me, and how they have zero doubts I will be ok.

The night was filled with good food, good wine, and great people. In the first moments after being fired I was horrified it happened right as I was about to start a leadership and responsibility filled weekend but looking back on it there is no place I would’ve rather been to process this.

I went to bed that night and promised myself I wouldn’t give this another thought until I had accomplished what I came to Texas to do. I met that intention, I focused 100% of my being on the facilitation and the people and I went to bed that Saturday night feeling proud again. I felt free.

…

In the weeks since, it has become more and more clear that I was right when I said it was what I wanted. It gave me the time I was desperate for to do what I wanted on my schedule.

It was the biggest win I never knew I wanted.  I see now that I had pushed past limits I was unaware of and I am so thankful for that. Without this amazing upset I wouldn’t have learned all that I have about myself, my new self-awareness and my new understanding and trust in what I am capable of.

Thank you to the decision makers who made this call, you enabled me to set myself free.

Jessica Soroky, CSM

Jessica is a Certified Scrum Master with over three years of practice in agile delivery and seven years of team leadership. She is also the youngest participant in The Leadership Gift™ Program and its growing worldwide community of leaders and coaches. After five years of non-profit development through Nellie’s Catwalk for Kids, Jessica continues her leadership journey in state government, not-for-profit, and private sector leadership studies.

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