Jessica Soroky continues her series Leadership is a Choice.

The sun set many hours ago and I can hear my body telling me it needs rest, but my mind isn’t ready yet. The bed brings my body comfort, but only I can offer the same to the countless thoughts racing around my head.

I am aware my life is made up of my choices. Everything running in my head, I choose to take part in, do, support, or even just think about. The stress I feel right now is a feeling I choose. The weight of my eyelids is a direct reflection of the many choices I made to put work before rest.

Knowing this reality, one I am not overly pleased with, is one I created, I chose, and I attracted doesn’t seem to make it any better.

I know I can choose differently but [insert list of excuses].

So what is it then….I must get something out of this to choose to attract it, right? Maybe it’s a win that it has been six plus months since I had a week or more of difficult days? Yes, that is a win! I haven’t felt like this in a long time and the last time I felt similar, was about ten times worse than this.

WIN.

So why do I sit up, not willing to turn it all off – choosing the nightmare and keeping my dreams from taking over? I laid my head back trying to seduce sleep to come to me and what I found was a never ending list of questions, scenarios and what if’s.

What if this contract goes this way…do I want to stay independent or work for someone else?
How will I put together that report in a way that will get us focused on solving the problem, not pointing fingers?
When is that trip again? – Crap do I have a hotel?
Will he be ok – god, I hope he is ok. He will be ok – today he will take a deep breath.
What all must get done tomorrow? – How can I squeeze in a nap?
I owe this other client something, putting it on the “must list” for tomorrow.
What am I forgetting…

When my mind wont rest, my eyes won’t either and all of this tends to lead to my fingers clicking away at the keyboard in the most comforting way. When I can see my mind in black words against the harsh white background I can trust that my mind in that moment won’t be lost. When I want to share my mindset I may re-read it later, editing it so it makes sense and processing as I go.

Other times when I just need to release I type away until I don’t want to type anymore and I close the lid of my laptop and slide back down beneath the covers where my mind will finally allow my body to rest.

Sitting in the darkness of the night I looked again at the list of things I had typed, the things running through my head and it hits me – where is my purpose in all of this?

Going over that list again and again, looking at the stress that flows through my body one thing is screaming out at me. None of these things, not a single one – are working towards what my purpose is. One of the items that worries me the most actually reminds me how short life actually is.

So why – why worry, stress, and lose sleep for any of it?

They are all money driven, pride driven, work driven – those are the “whats”, nowhere to be found is the “why”.

What lights my soul on fire is people, personal responsibility, and freedom. Where is that in all of this? Where is the time to focus on helping wake people up whether that is through coaching, my blog, or the book I am so determined to write.

It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day, the stuff that keeps the lights on and the bills paid. The more determined I get to make an impact the less time it takes (not being focused on that) to make an impact on me.

For lack of better phrase – it puts me in a funk.

The drive to jump out of bed and start each day anew turns into dark hours starring at the ceiling or clicking away at my keyboard.

Am I naïve to think I can live every day with my purpose first and still pay the bills? Is this what they meant when they told me eventually I would get worn down too..?

While rolling these questions around in my head I came across this quote by Simon Sinek:

“Don’t quit. Never give up trying to build the world you can see, even if others can’t see it. Listen to your drum and your drum only. It’s the one that makes the sweetest sound.”

As always, I have a choice to make. When looking at a choice one needs to also look at the consequences and decide if they are willing to accept those that come with it. In this case I can choose to stay in this funk and accept whatever that means to my long term drive, passion and mentality. Knowing eventually I will move into quit.

OR

I can choose to stand strong in my purpose and in who I am and make time to write, to build, to coach, and to awaken. Most importantly I can make time to continue to study, practice, and grow myself.

What are the consequences of that? On the positive side I stay fulfilled. On the possible negative side – I refuse to conform and if a company doesn’t like my approach it could cost me work.

My choice is to keep listening to my drum, and only my drum – letting the rest of it go.

Jessica Soroky, CSM

Jessica is a Certified Scrum Master with over three years of practice in agile delivery and seven years of team leadership. She is also the youngest participant in The Leadership Gift™ Program and its growing worldwide community of leaders and coaches. After five years of nonprofit development through Nellie’s Catwalk for Kids, Jessica continues her leadership journey in state government, not-for-profit, and private sector leadership studies.